Whirlwind. The winter days have pushed me decidedly off balance, snatching away home, job, money, health, and sniggering while i groaned and sweated and stretched on tiptoe, trying to snatch them back. i feel like i’ve been running around like a headless chicken, getting painted, sketched, crippled, overenthusiastic, overworked, dazed and confused. a good hard cry in the emergency room, fever coursing through my pores, death blows a fond kiss in my direction. the crisis gets washed away with tears and the puzzled doctor says “but… is it going to get better? do you have friends who can help?”. it is. i do. the solstice is past and the days are getting longer again – like the tide, the dog days are slowly starting to ebb away.
in the middle of this jolly chaos, things are growing.
working with sex and magic has been on the horizon, the back of my mind, the edge of my vision for a while. i never gave it much attention, it seemed like too vague an intuition, unlikely, undefined. but when the glint caught my eye and escaped my lips, ears around me pricked. there were questions. the questions pulled and tugged like a midwife’s fingers. explaining the obvious to each other, discovering, again, that it isn’t. what seemed like the lightest of whispers on the wind – so slight perhaps only i could hear it, imagined it – developed into hours of whispers in vans cars beds sofas hilltops. follow the buzz of the bees, you will find the honey.
a close friend who experienced sexual trauma back when we teenagers had recently told me something that really started shaking up my tree. she said hanging out with me helped her more than most of the therapy ever did. that i had always experienced sex like an excited kid having a ball at the funfair – picture a seven year old who wants to do all the rides, chocolate smeared around the lips, a balloon and a goldfish squeezed under the armpit, making friends with the dogs and the candy man and breaks things down in the ghost train and gets lost and cries. then gets up, distracted by a butterfly, does it all again and gapes in disbelief when the adults say it’s time to go home and there’s school tomorrow. (wow, that was fun to write!) the point here being that it’s all an adventure, it’s exciting, sometimes scary, it’s fun, and did you go to the fair, what ride did you like the most, ooh yeah that was scary and did i show you my goldfish?
the other big shake i got was slowly realizing all the women who are my close friends have been through sexual trauma – and i had no idea. i thought we talked about those things, but clearly, we didn’t. we don’t. it took an even longer while for the penny to drop as to why i was receiving these confessions in the first place : i had found a complicated path to excavate some buried pains from my own past. their stories were only coming because i had opened that door in the first place.
the shame that clamped out mouths shut… i wondered what the hell i could do about it. after the questions started, i continued this whole conversation with unlikely people – my landlord, my family, vague acquaintances. and i watched something interesting happen to the shame : at first it feels close, too close, but as the words go on, look at that! shame stretches. a little further away. then a little further. it does that thing like when we name fear and put a spotlight on it. often in the light of day it doesn’t seem quite so big any more, it can be scrutinized and broken down into smaller pieces and dealt with. after piecing together the cards, some tips from a student of pnl, non-violent communication, poetic license, scribbled diagrams about trauma recovery, spread recycling, a fun photoshoot and check-listing deepak choprah… i was ready.
in a sharing circle after hours of dancing and sweating, i suddenly followed an impulse to present the readings to an audience. it was electrifying and scary and what a kick to see those sparkling eyes! the intention of the readings is to create a space to have some earnest, caring introspection about our sexual needs, and to encourage us all to share these thoughts and the questions they provoke with others. to bring this conversation into our daily lives. on its first night out it was already a complete success : that night was buzzing and humming with sex talk.
Introducing the Sex Magic Tarot Readings
Sex Magic is a combination of words that usually provokes a jolt of excitement, and rings many alarm bells of caution. I will not use safer-sounding labels like Sacred Sexuality. Let’s call things by their names here.
We’re talking about sex, that wild journey to ecstasy and madness that creates life. Burning, healing, dissolving – it tastes like earth and glows like the cosmic dance. It simply doesn’t get more magic than that.
I am inviting you for a chat around this great feast. Let’s talk about sex. Let’s explore what wines we have sampled, and what exotic flavours might make our mouths water. Appetites vary with the seasons : what kind of nourishment do we crave and need today? Where will we go forage for it? How did we get past our share of the bitterness, the poison also on the table? When was the last time you discussed favourite foods and swapped recipes with the other guests?
I started brewing these spreads after realizing just how many of us are struggling, trying to recover from trauma and physical abuse. How many of us close our hearts after they have been broken. And how all that pain is often digested alone, in silence.
Let’s break the silence and open the door to being witnessed. To looking deep within ourselves, and communicating our needs, our hungers, our insecurities. We are not alone. Sex is the fire feeding our creativity, our potential for transformation : let’s feast and get warm. Work up some sweet Sex Magic, and reclaim this power as our own.
The Sex Magic Readings
Titillation, fun, inspiration. Oh la la.
Introspection on what sexual abundance looks like for you today, and how to manifest it.
Tackles the root of most problems : clear communication with yourself and others.
Sexual Spring Cleaning
Skeletons in our closet? We all have them. Let’s shake ‘em out, and move on.
Note : these four readings are about empowering you in your sexual and creative power. Whatever sexuality you chose to engage in (or not), with yourself and/or others, your fire comes from within and that’s where our focus is.
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“oh, you want to explore the theme of shame do you? well, careful what you wish for!” manical laugh. we’re given a checklist of key words and concepts which i’ve kept and pored over half a dozen times since, musing on just how much deconstructing the world of clown sets out to do against the world of Common Sense, Dignified Adulthood and Fear. zuma puma’s exercises felt like we were receiving a long-overdue formal training in group socializing. “when you flop, make it bigger!”. clown brings this flabbergasting notion that you have to come as you are, as you really are, and that we love it, every minute, especially when you’ve failed to make us laugh. “put it in your pocket! well, that was a STUPID idea!” a rollercoaster of humiliation and raw honesty, exercises geared for failure and how to keep things flowing when everything goes tits up. “maintain eye contact! don’t lose them!”. once you’ve been laughed at for two straight days, sweating and grappling for inventive ways of making an ass of yourself…. what could happen? “that didn’t work – but this will!” it feels like the expanded awareness of training martial arts, acute sensitivity to the environment and instant adaptation. and the simple things – “make us laugh with one sound. with one movement.” mostly we have no idea why they do laugh. the distance between us just dissolves in our gaze and their smiles. the only agenda is connection. after this brief peak from under the jester’s hat, i can now feel in my bones why it is that a king will always listen to a fool. to get lost in the light of a clown’s pupil… a friend working on slava’s team talks of the master’s clown with wonder. a lifetime incorporating our most lonely moments of ridicule, misunderstanding, shame and isolation, and bringing it back to us : look. i’m there too. we’re all here.”what if you decided this was fun?” wink. bow.